Friday, September 15, 2006

My Dear God In Heaven!! You good people will simply NOT believe what had become of me. I will have to swear on a stack of Bibles for you to believe a half of it.

It has been a TERRIBLE two years. TWO LONG YEARS I tell you. I have been held prisoner. A veritable hostage. A political prisoner! A prisoner of conscience!! A godly man locked up in a ghastly gulag, one filled with gangland goons, grifters, grafters, and other godless guttersnips. ME! Locked away with this teeming trash. AND ALL BECAUSE OF THAT WICKED ROGUE!!!!

The Devil--her employer, I assure you--only knows what she has been up to in the interim. Other than writing me her weekly taunts regarding my sad and undeserved condition, and sending me pictures of her and her unshorn (and likely unwashed) tattooed hell hounds laying waste to my yard with their Harley hell machines. She told the neighbors she was my sister, set up camp with her band of brigands in my modest abode for weeks at a time, strew the premises knee deep with beer cans and liquor bottles, except for the ones lined up on my trusty old, now riddled, car and used for target practice. My neighbor's barn behind was shot full of holes. She laughed, derisively, at his protestations and threatened to "make him dance" if she saw hide or hair of him again.

There is, however, one strange incident related by my terrified neighbor that seemed oddly out of character: As one of her thugs took cruel bead on my neighbor's old cat, this renegade Rogue gave forth with a shockingly stern, "He who harms a hair on yon old gray head, dies like a dog. Ride On!," she said. And off they went. But this is not enough to save her Hell, I foretell.

I am too weary to go on. I must rest before relating the remainder of this sordid tale.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Stay tuned, dear friends, for the letter coming from the Mayor of Monetta, who I have met (truly), as he describes the recent day The Rogue Warriors descended upon his formerly fine and peaceful little rural southern town. You will be shocked, I assure you. Just the barest (so to speak) of previews now: the Mayor says the opening shocks--after the mere view of the Roguemobile and its packed tribe and their "go to the movies" finery--were the tattoos, which he said not only were of matters he dare not repeat before God and the world, but occurred in places that poor Monnetta had never seen shown in public before in any event. Hide the children. And you may want to have a Bible close at your side when you read the Mayor's shocking story.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Well Rogue has done it now. She has run off one of the finest of posters on the bash-Bush boards, mild mannered Mildly Disturbed. It could have been at gunpoint for all we know, what with the habits of this vexing vixen. If he hadn't posted a goodbye I'd be advising the police to start digging up her back yard (aka Georgetown Steel's slag pits). Although, like many sensitive men he may just have been put off by the "lady" friend always out drinking him, out cussing, out shooting, out riding the Harley, out lying at tall tales, and out cheating at cards. Well, in any case, we'll miss you Mildly. Maybe we can get a rerstraining order on her and you can come back.

Saturday, April 03, 2004

Rev. V. I. Bezark
Riverside Evangelical Mission
1 Gervais Street, Lower Level

Dear Rev. Bezark:

You cannot know with what interest I receive your regular missives concerning this lamentable Rogue–this one-person wave of liberality (might I instead say closer to "libertine") and of sin in our otherwise devout and respectable state. As Attorney General and staunch conservative I for four years fought tooth and nail against this tireless mocker of our conservative lifestyle and professings, this despoiler of our otherwise impeccable reputation as "Buckle of the Bible Belt" and bastion of Republican faith. And what did I get for my troubles? Crude heckles from the listening crowd and–may God be my witness–not just a few times the foul egging of my official headquarters, both in campaign and in office. My severe complaints to the local chief of police were as unfulfilling as those to the head of the state law enforcement division. Does she have dirt on simply everyone? Even Thurmond (rest his soul) was powerless against her: she turned on her wily charms and he melted in midgrope I'm told relaibly.

But be assured she will soon meet her match. She is a sly fox, indeed, but I too am not without my cunning.. As you note I am running for the senate. With your help we can stop her. (Your kindly "down home" offer of economical campaign help, "bussing battalions of my bums, we can blanket the state with your brochures, for mere bread and beer" had me in tears of gratitude.) With a senate seat I will have access to John Ashcroft, who, I wager, will become her sworn enemy. They are like fire and water . . . specifically hellfire and holy water.

Thank you again and especially for the kind offer, which has been forwarded to my campaign manager. (We will of course have to negotiate your suggested fee as "overseer" and we will have to change that title to "supervisor" to avoid offending any sensibilities.)

Sincerely, your friend,

Charles (Charlie) Condon
Republican Candidate for Senate

Friend's, I think I hear the Lord telling me, this Rogue is headed for a rude reformation. Let us all pray.

Thursday, March 18, 2004

Capt. V.I. Bezark
Waterfront Precinct
1 Gervais Street (Lower Suite)

Dear Capt. Bezark:

Please accept my thanks for the information you forwarded in such expedited manner regarding this "al Rogue" organization in your fine state. We count on that "thin blue line" to help protect us from terror as well as crime in America and it is information from sources just like you that helps us here each and every day. Our records do indeed show this Rogue character–quite a few records I might add–but we find no real connection to Muslim terrorism I'm afraid. The bin Laden types tend to be doctrinaire and ascetic zealots, and we just generally do not find sign of them in the common criminal haunts of drunken blasphemous debauchery and gambling frequented by this Rogue and her "associates" let me call them. There might as well be a field office of the probation and parole commission and the alcohol and drug rehabilitation department there by the looks of it. But do not be disappointed, I have just the person I believe who can help you in this matter, for what you have is a clear threat to the moral fiber of this great nation, if not to its tall buildings. I have forwarded this information to an associate with high interest in such matters. I think you will be very pleased with the results. I think this Rogue will not be.

Thanks you again and do not hesitate to contact me on similar matters.


Tom Ridge
Director of Homeland Security

xc: ashcroft(personal)/AG/Justice/DC + attachments


Oh boy, dear readers, I think we are finally seeing some signs of progress. Keep the faith.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Professor Boris Bezark
USC Riverside Center
1 Gervais Street

Dear Professor Bezark:

We have received and are already reading with interest your proposal for establishing the Center for the Research of Roguery and the Institute on the Origins of Sin. We had no idea that such a veritable hotbed of iniquity lay there in the "Buckle of the Bible Belt" but we have indeed heard faint rustling about this Rogue, even far away here in the American heartland. Better there for you to study, as you propose, than here to corrupt our own flock, I say.

You will be hearing from us soon, and I hope favorably. We could even perhaps conduct spring or summer field trips for our advanced and most stalwart in their faith students here at the Bible college, to observe that modern-day Gomorrah this Rogue presides over. Or better yet, bring our more wayward souls to show them the end of the path on which they have embarked, or that is to say, the last step before the end, the gaping sulfurous maw of Satan's eternal furnace of souls. The maw this Reign of Rogue seems to be at least half filling all on its own.

We will discuss more of this.

Yours in righteousness,

Rev. Phelps

Sunday, February 29, 2004

Brother Bezark SJ
Riverside Mission to the Homeless
1 Gervais Street

Brother Bezark:
I do not normally court contention with a man of the cloth, and I now take you at your word for your credentials. I apologize for my initial behavior, but I must admit I was a bit taken aback by your appearance when I came by to see you; I had not dreamt there were even such a thing as "undercover Jesuit." In similar vein, as I thought of it later I suppose MD20/20 is as good as any in a pinch for sacramental purposes (though I'd still draw the line at a Moon Pie "Body of Christ").

That is not mainly why I write, however. I must implore you, once again, please stay your verbal and written assaults on the lovely Ms. Rogue. She is a breath of fresh air on these boards and in her stodgy metropolis. We more erudite and cosmopolitan men-about-town adore her antics and hope she has at least an occasional bout of seeing us favorably, though she hides it by the playful insults and criticism she tosses our way. I do wish she would forego the bottles and bricks, I must say. Please let her have some peace from your endless rebukes.

Her Admirer

>>>>Good Ladies and Gentlemem, I rest my case,* Look at what she and her behavior attracts.

*No Mr. "Her Admirer,** it's just an expression, I will continue on my holy tasks of exposing the evils of the one called Rogue.

**While I would never reveal a writer's identity it is probably harmless to give a hint*** for those already in the know.

***You put in a truck**** to make greasy black smoke.

****In the tank*****

*****Fuel tank.

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